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AJ

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Sheri is awesome [26 Jul 2013|11:14pm]
Says it all. Made me feel better. That and rum.

Said i tend to just go with what comes my way...maybe she's right. So while Kay is with some other guy i'll go looking for what i really want. If i find someone...then i was wrong. If not? I'll see where Kay is at and see what happens next.

Stupid brain just needs to be shut up.

~aj

I still love her though.
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Been awhile...Not much has changed? [26 Jul 2013|10:04pm]
Subject just means this is just another girl rant thing...

So. My last entries were about Kay. I ended up breaking up with her about a year ago...I've not stopped thinking of her since.

She tried to get back with me...and i mean really tried...hurt so much to see her doing what i'd wished she'd done from the start, but i hadn't forgiven her yet and i didn't feel it was right to be with her when i...*sigh* hated her for what she'd done. The confusing thing was how much i still loved her and wanted to be with her. I didn't think it was possible to have both feelings that i considered to be on opposite ends of the emotion spectrum. Was driving me crazy. Everytime i looked at her i felt that pang of sadness and loathing...and yet i still wanted to hold her and never let go. I love her. heh. I've said that before...and each time the feeling is stronger...i'm a mess.

So...that's why i had her move out. Because i couldn't forgive or forget and the dueling emotions were driving me insane. I didn't want the good feelings to be overtaken by these negative ones. I just needed sometime to sort it out. About 3 months ago i finally forgave her. People make mistakes (including the biggest i think i've just made) and seeing everything that she did to try and win me back...she loves me (or she is a good liar[and i hate this voice btw]). I hadn't heard from her in a bit so i messaged her, but got no response. The next time she text me i responded as fast as i could. I wanted to see her and tell her, but she was out of town and i am a fool. Sleep was increasingly difficult following that night. i got less and less and thought of her more and more. I had to see her. I needed to talk to her, but for some reason i still couldn't pick up the phone. I finally did a week ago. She didn't answer. Text me in the morning saying that she was asleep (sleeps though anything ^.^). The rest of her messages didn't feel good...if that makes sense. Now i'm more nervous than i already was. She agreed to meet on the 20th to talk. Said she had something to tell me. I tried to keep texting her til then but she only sent 1 word responses if anything. blah blah blah

20th
More nervous than ever. I get there early...15 mins but meh. She dyed her hair red. Looked good. Then i got to hold her. I was shaking so bad. I didn't want to let go. She asked if we could talk there instead of going to a garden.

I was too late.

She was seeing someone.

She loves me and wants to be with me.

But she is going to stay with the other guy because it wouldn't be fair to just leave him.

And i said i understood. The fuck is wrong with me. Had i not just spent the past year trying to forgive her and get up the courage to ask her to be by my side for...she has been my wife in my head for some time. I want her to be the mother of my children. I hate emotions. I don't get them.

And i left. I left without fighting. Now i don't know if i should contact her more. the texts that i stopped sending were getting limited responses/none. I don't know what i should do. A mutual friend hopes she gets back with me. Tells me to hang in there. Its only been a week since we said our goodbye, and i hope it wasn't goodbye for real.

My head too many thoughts.

I want her to choose me based purely on what she wants. I can't tell her that i mean to keep her otherwise.

I can't type much more. these words are nothing compared to the images and feelings and thoughts and everything else that is swirling inside me.

I love her. I miss her. I want her. I don't need her...*sigh*

I think i'll call her in a week. Maybe my feelings will go hide a bit so i can think clearly. Or maybe i'll try to argue that staying with the other guy while loving and wanting me is more unfair. Unless she doesn't love me, or she thinks that he is better, or anything else i hate my mind.

So to leave off i'll quote myself...

"but why does it feel like i'm making the biggest mistake of my life...." ~me to my father the night i asked Kay to leave.

As much as i try to live with no regrets...I really think this is one that i will always...Still hope...but despair loves to swallow me up.

~me
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open relationship [10 Oct 2011|04:46pm]
my gf has suggested the subject. She already has a guy picked and has been somewhat dating him prior to her mentioning it to me. Im completely against this. she wont work with me. i dont know what to do. i mean i have ideas but i dont like them.

people keep telling me im a great bf and that im good for her and all this other stuff...then why does she want someone in addition to me?

im too many emotions and none of them good or pleasing in any way.

fml
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hi again [05 Sep 2011|10:19pm]
arg.

Many emotions. Mostly lack of happiness atm. Why else would i write right?

Anyways i managed to get Kay to make it official which made me really happy. I mean we technically had been together up to then but you know...i hope. We got a place together which is another ^.^ and i've considered things to be going mostly good considering the strains. She works odd hours, multiple places to live, finances, etc. I'm not making her happy i guess. I cant really afford to take her out like she wants...granted the times i can are very limited. She had a cold sore this week so plans for this weekend were shot. Not big plans just something that would have let her dress up a bit and shop. With the cold sore she has been feeling even less attractive and whatnot. She managed to stubble onto some of my porn. Now she is going on about how i don't want her because i look at other women. I'm not sure what i should say to that. I know i want her. This "fight?" or whatnot is hurting me deep down. I think she is beautiful and i know she is the only woman on my mind but i still look. What i'm trying to figure out is if that makes me a bad person. Back in the day i never looked at another girl when i had a girlfriend. Took me years of people telling me its ok to look for me to actually start looking. Did i ever act from the looks? No. I just looked. I really don't see anything wrong with it. Maybe someone can enlighten me. Could i have been more sensitive about how she was feeling at the moment? Most likely. But she is always mad about something...even things that have been settled. Starting to get to me. I really think it just been all the stress lately. It should be settling soon and i hope it does. I've been feeling really worn thin. I need to think of something to do for her, but it would be really nice for her to do something similar for me. I love her but she frustrates me to no end sometime and talking just seems like i'd be dumping gas on a fire. My head hurts.

We went to a movie tonight because it has been awhile since the two of us went out and did something. Granted it was just a movie. Not really a couple thing but considering how she felt about the cold sore i figured it was a reasonable outing. Man i don't know v.v i'm really sad. She said she doesn't want to see me for a week. Which is mostly how it was going to work with our work schedules and whatnot, but normally its i'll miss you or something. I know im bad with relationships but i'm trying. and i really feel like i'm the only one. She still afraid i'm going to hurt her like her past boyfriends. Does she think i'm not either? I've been dumped in all but 1 or 2 relationships that i've been in. whatever thats not really the point(there is none...i think). I just want us to be happy being us. I want her to feel comfortable with herself. I want her to feel comfortable about use. I don't want her to try and keep me hidden like some dirty secret. I want her to tell me she loves me again. I want her to trust me. Keeps asking how does she know if i am loyal to her.

So much in my head. I should have kept writing throughout the past months. Maybe it would have kept me level instead of letting me tip and fall. I've been kinda down. Trying to hide it like normal. It is just a phase so gotta weather it til it passes. Need to get tested at the sleep clinic. My sleeping bothers Kay. She said she needs to poke me to make sure i'm still alive. v.v i miss her. I'm sorry if i'm really that lousy of a boyfriend. Would be the first time i've got that from a break up though v.v


~aj

Please let us make it through. Would be such a waste to throw it all away...
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mew [29 Apr 2011|10:39pm]
so ya. many thoughts right now. Do romantic actions need to be better than all the rest? Can i reuse something that i have used in the past? I need to think of a new one. Flowers are nice and all but im picky bout them and im not sure they would have the...impact?...that im looking for. Im not even sure what i would be looking for. Well i know the desired result, but my mind is telling my heart to shut up and hold on a min. Ive already made quite an offering. Romantic? maybe more so in my head. Id rehearsed it several times in my head. granted i also added dramatic scenery and stuff that i wouldnt have access to but still...very beautiful. When i presented this offering i didnt quite do it as i had rehearsed in my head and of course it didnt come out as good as i had wanted. Offering has much value to me. She already knows how much it means to me, but i offered it with,(this is in my head mind you) the promise that one day i would buy the ring that she deserves. Of course i got to one knee as the cliche thing to do and whatnot, but thats not how it went, and yes i know i know im proi crazy for suggesting marriage so soon, but i really REALLY like her. She asks me why i love her...too many things pop up. maybe they are stupid and whatnot but i enjoy them.

Sorry normally when i write i don't get distracted...well try not to. Digi is poking meh!

Anyways...little things like the cute sounds she makes when she is typing, or that wicked awesome smile she gets at certain moments. She's spontaneous, willing to explore, and smells fucking wonderful. Her emotions rage like...well fire. passionate. fragile and caring. intelligent as much as she denies it. enjoys, and i mean really enjoys, things that i enjoy. I mean i like game systems and computers and stuff like that but should she her light up. Smile is brilliant. To wake up next to her and to...no, not see her beautiful smiling face...but to have to wrestle with her to remove the blankets from said beautiful face and steal a kiss...

i suppose these things could apply to anyone. so things maybe not everyone but still there would be others. but they arent her. she is what makes any of the little everyday things that could apply to anyone special. it makes me so confused. maybe confused isnt the right word. im mostly confused about life to begin with so it could apply some. im afraid. this really isnt going as i had planned.

i think ive stated what i had thought/planned would happen. maybe a modified version could exist, but i dont want that now. thats what is frightening me. ive never really considered the rest of my life. especially with someone. and now im thinking about it. makes me smile and feel warm fuzzies and stuff but...i dont know what to do

mew phone call. gotta run. maybe ill come back and write more. i really need to reread this one. stuff.

~aj

assuming i get that chance that is...only if...
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ouch... [17 Apr 2011|07:18pm]
So last night i went to another party. Started out meh. Kay disappeared for like 30 40 mins right off the bat so i got to meet and greet alone. After that i got played. Was supposed to be just Kay and Mandi but Jewels was allowed to join.

My back and ass are bruised to all hell lol. It was more a punishment play since i broke a rule(one i didnt know about...go figure...) at the party on thursday. Lots of stinging toys...not my fav @.@ and FUCK THOSE GODDAMN LITTLE BLUE CLOTHSPINS!!!!11!!1111111ONE!

grrrr...those mothers hurt like no tomorrow....fuck....

anyways...i got a very good job. They really didnt expect me to take it. And i have a cute ass. Bounces back after you hit it...tested and proved...repeated...a lot... @.@ sitting is painful.

The play lasted about an hour...thats a long time to have people taunting and hitting you...was different. would i do it again? If she would have me. Although i wasnt keen on the other girls joining in. i dont get that much pleasure from pain above like a 5 so taking it for someone other than Kay is kinda not fun? i do it to make Kay happy. As a good pet should for their master. Granted we arent in a contract because her fiancee hasnt okay'd it yet.

which leads to last night post party and this morning. Pancake making. Much quicker after your dick as been over sensitized by the vast number of clothpins required to make a cock flower(nice picture huh? :P) She is falling for me i think. Makes me very happy but i know she could just run from it all. i mean she does have a fiancee and all. guess i find out next month when he comes down, but even if they do end it she wont be with anyone for awhile. so much waiting. the question then would be is she worth it? I think she is. Unless the bs ramps up and becomes past my breaking point. She is a lot like me, but still so different. gotta recap friday...

Thursday night i made her really mad without knowing what i did. I found out before the night was over but she still wouldnt talk. The pain i felt i dont think would be from the bf/gf type relation we have but from master/pet i guess. Ive never upset her to that point. Ive enjoyed making her happy and always comforted her. I've never been the one to bring about unhappy. Knowing that i did crushed me. I cant find words for a sleepless night full of shame? maybe not the right word. I felt like a failure. Like i was going to be disowned. Abandoned. A lone kitty. mew v.v First time ive cried in a bit.

Anyways we had plans for friday afternoon. I was getting out of work to go with her to do some running around. I didnt msg her til after i got off work. Original plan was for me to pick her up after work. Until i heard otherwise thats what i was sticking to. Well i got to her house without an answer. So i knocked. No answer. Knocked once more. Still nothing. So i turned to leave...and she is walking up the walk...ya i felt awkward...creepy just showing up. I was forgiven since we did have plans and she was about to tell me to come over anyways. She went over what happened last night. i apologized more. Things appear to be ok. I know she wont forget what i did.

We went about the day sorta as planned. Grabbed a bite to eat...omg i cant remember where...oh ya. Joes crab shack lol. how could i forget...throbbing pain maybe but meh. So we ate at joes. was good. then we went to get her measured for a corset. cant wait to see it on her :p. After we went to a little japan tea garden. very nice place. too many tourist since the fiesta thing going on this past week but the place was very nice. Proi best for a twilight stroll or something. We talked a bit there. I guess it was where she went on her first date with her fiancee. Definitely a good choice. Its tranquil, beautiful and allows a lot of conversation. We left there because she wanted to walk more. Plan was to park at her uncle's and walk around the town. We ended up staying at her uncle's (who kept feeding me 16oz buds) for dinner and watched Ong Bak 3. I didnt understand alot of the conversations...i dont speak laos/thai. but i enjoyed myself. Dinner was good. Mussels are not too tasty to me...and lemongrass...as good as it is can overpower alot of flavours. i might have upset the aunt when i said it was a tad much...was still good. OH! that one sauce was fucking awesome. i dont remember what was in it but it was soooooo good on my rice ^.^ i met her stepmother, aunt, uncle, looked at old pictures, and saw where she grew up(2nd time for this one). Shes let me in a lot.

After we left she still wanted to see sucker punch(we still want to see it.), so we went to the movies at the quarry. Sucker wasnt playing so it was a toss between Hanna and Incidious. She picked Hanna(not what i imagined from the trailer...ok otherwise). She seen one of those photo machines and made me get change for it. I now have my first booth photos. I look retarded as usual, but she was smiling without being prompted ^.^ and i even have a kissing one ^.^ surprised that one happened. its my fav. anyways we go and watch the movie. So far i have tried not making physical contact...i had upset her and wanted to left her come back. The kiss was a shocker for that reason mainly...that and its now on film for the world to see. During the movie she held my hand. Its a big deal for her i guess. Kissing, hand holding and biting...there are more but they involve things that most people would never come in contact with...yay...

But ya held my hand. So movie ends and we get in the car. *ambush!* as soon as i get in she pulls me in for what looks like the normal hug, but she had been thinking of other things the whole movie. Its a shame her roommate was home. Would have had a lot of fun.

ya somewhat a lot of info. Shes really confused about what she wants. Im pretty sure i know what i want. i just need her to come to what i want on her own. i doubt she will, but i hope. Think im gonna nap/sleep now. Im drained from the beating.

~aj

What should i do? What should she do? We both want each other. Just the matter of her fiancee.
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so ya.... [10 Apr 2011|06:54pm]
[ mood | booze! ]

drink inspired entry!!! woooO!O!OO!O!!!!!

anyways.

i did what i ment not to do. i felt good about it...nervous but good, but questions unanswered and behaviors different have me not so much or something.

I told Kay i Love her. was the 2nd time she asked...and id been thinkin bout it before she asked the first time. Took me a bit after she asked to finish mulling it over. I care about her alot. i want to be with her for and undetermined amount of time. I like everything(just about) that ive seen of her. She is just like me in so many ways and not at the same time. It hurts to see her with a frown on her face or tears in her eyes, and she is my master...something that has made me feel our bond deeper perhaps? There is a good amount of trust required for some of the things...i don't know. I told her. I mean it. But that doesnt stop the pain of it not being returned...or even accepted.

I don't think things with her fiance will work in the long run. BDSM is part of her and makes her really happy. If he wont allow her to exercise that part of her, she wont be happy and things will fall. From what i've gathered from her he isnt sure he even wants to be with her. As much as i would like to point theses out and question him for more i cant because everything i'd say would be bias in my favor. Patti said i should just be here friend and see what happens. I am. but i long to hold her.

Just last week we were quite intimate. This week...maybe a touch or so. Just bitching more i suppose. Booze has me nice and warm. If she works late she might stay over. I hope so.

~aj

ps...totally submitted before adding closing tag XD

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poem [07 Apr 2011|09:35pm]
trying to remember where i put a poem i wrote a while ago. its someplace...

anyways...

been sick. government might not pay me because of some bs on capitol hill...fucking politics...

Im thinking too much into Kay...I want her grrr but all i can do is wait. She's kinda in a rough spot. Im trying to do what i can for her but im not sure what i can do other than be there. Hope. Ill try to give it to her.

Anyways just wanted to comment about the poem. think it was time and time again or something like that.

~aj
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thoughts? [03 Apr 2011|07:26pm]
meow.
Spent the last few nights with kay. We went to a gaming convention. It was ok. Saw some new games and met some people. Friday she stayed at my place and last night i at her's. Kinda confuses me since she wants to distance us because she will be leaving, but she asked for me to be with her on each night. Of course I accepted both. Feeling that i think i was fighting im not...or something. Im quite fond of her. I know she is leaving...august ish, but still i can't or won't fight off the feeling. its wonderful. unfortunately the only way i know how to gauge how deep the feeling runs is to suffer the loss. Mew v.v

Anyways all today i've been lost in my head. My pillow smells like her...naps are pleasant. I'm not sure what to do. My plan was to keep at it until the end. Go out smiling and i still want to, but what if i want more? If there is a chance to take her...do i do it?

Just found the songs i was looking for...

Anyways. My mind feelings whatever have assumed the position held throughout much of this journal. My choices are compromised.

I also think im catching a cold or something. Her roommate was hacking something awful past couple of days and my throat is scratchy atm.

But ya. Mostly just posting in an attempt to let loose some of the thoughts and or feelings and whatnot out.

The plan is to see her once a week on wednesday for a card night out(l5r) or play date(bdsm). Fridays i would also see her if she has to work we would watch a movie until then. She wouldnt be sleeping over at all. Thats the plan. Reduces contact and expenses. Both are supposed to be good. Lack of contact is to prepare for her leaving of course, and expenses are ya expenses.
This coming week ill be picking her up tuesday for work. She will be staying over and ill take her to school in the am. wednesday still hanging out for cards. Thursday is still in the air but we might hang out. Friday still as planned but i might be at her place.
Suppose its not too big of a change. Does make me curious. I know she likes me. We are almost the same...like its kinda frightening to how similar we behave and think at times. I understand those thoughts and feelings. I cant figure out how much she likes me though. From what ive gathered its more than most are allowed. She talks to me all the time. Goes out with me over other friends. We have long talks about anything and everything.

Meh now im starting to over think again. To make a point that i think my mind is trying to come to...I want her. I cant promise forever...but i can give everything one day at a time. I'm not sure how to just out and tell her. Even if i were able to out it...im not sure it would be well received.

~aj
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? [29 Mar 2011|10:37pm]
i was gonna post an entry about the happenings of last night, but some things should remain behind closed doors. i can give little bits and pieces. wax play is hot...in many ways, but its messy(still picking pieces out of the carpet...)

i will say this time wasnt quite like the rest of the play dates. felt more intimate. a lot of things were labeled as such(reason i dont want to go into detail), but its left me confused a tad more. considering the actions of last night today was kinda distant. but all things considered i suppose i can understand.

i know im not really being...i dont even know. last night was great imo, but im feeling closer than i want to...especially since she is going to be leaving sooner or later(hoping for later).

ya thats all i got for now. wax is fun. dont use bee'swax. it burns too hot.

~aj
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down [23 Mar 2011|09:17pm]
[ mood | void ]

down would be an understatment. im in what feels like a feel depression swing. i haven't been sleeping well, always tired and rarely able to sleep. i havent been eating as much...ive had a hotpocket 2 kit kats and a chicken sandwich in the past two days. im making ramen now...i need to eat. i dont really care for anything right now. i mean i lack motivation most of the time but right now...im thinkin i need another few months on the pills...

ive got an appointment friday to talk with a chaplin. Possibly get a shrink and or meds. i need to be proactive about it. at least its not as bad as it could be or has been. its still annoying as fuck though. noodles beep...ya i dont really feel like writing more...dont feel much of anything...

~aj

ps...moments like this i only wish i could cry...

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because i think i must [21 Mar 2011|08:59pm]
[ mood | sleepy ]

Nothing eventful today i do believe. Got my haircut...well the sides and back trimmed but meh. still trying to figure out a new style. Played a bit of Rift and watched some shows on hulu. Thats pretty much it. Some thinking here and there but its about stuff and im sleepy.

~aj

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gah! [20 Mar 2011|09:29pm]
[ mood | RAGE!!!! > mellow...thoughts ]

roommate pisses me off. little things that set me aflame. we now have water damage under the sink with mold...fucker doesnt understand that solids do not flow well down drains...constantly clearing the shit. to top it off...as im cleaning up his fucking mess he makes a sandwich without a word and continues on his way. tossing dirty utensils with more fucking shit on them into the sink. i just wanted to make some fucking soup...

moving away i would like to provide minor details of last evening. arrived a tad late to the party but stayed til 330/4am. was interesting. the first act i witnessed that night had me confused as to why someone would suffer such. to each his own. He enjoyed having a dildo forced down his throat repeatedly gagging all the way. Nuts in an electric vise(electric sounded fun...pressure no...)and feet strapped in a board that would pass current threw his body(again electric sounds fun). To the right of this display a woman was being lashed and paddled until paddler was unable to continue. Her various shades of red begging to give way to the crimson below. She wore cute ears to which Miss Kitty admired much. I served her well enough or so she said. I was nervous but it was good. We toured the house and saw all the toys(lots of toys...) and watched a few demonstrations the "pussy worship box"(think thats what it was called) being Miss Kitty's favourite. So long as piss play and scat were avoided i think i wouldn't have minded it either. Only for Miss Kitty though.

Much of the night passed with me sitting below her as she talked and me providing minor service, food, hold this, get that, etc... before moving upstairs to play. We watched her roommate play before it was to my turn. My apologies for requesting privacy as i am still new and shy. even still one guy kept watching. he was giving me the fuckin creeps. just left a bad taste ya know? No matter i shouldn't have to see him again. I turned my focus to Miss Kitty and her playing. Felt good. she'll need to strike harder or longer if she wishes me to cry out though. I held my silence and enjoyed what pain found its way to my backside. tiny cloth pins on my nipples were the only thing to really make me attempt to cry out. little fucks hurt so much. even as im typing id have her play me again. I cant wait. As rough and domme as she wants to be i can't help but feel her caring side. Were it not for that i doubt i would submit to her.

So after she played me i cleaned and then went with her to watch what could be considered the main event(230am atp). A woman was wrapped in saran and attached to a wooden frame(think swingset). She was being wrapped in duck tape as we sat down. The wrapping took far too long, imo, for it to be worth, but as i've not experienced it i'll keep open mind. after the taping was done the flogging began. The hostess was most certainly experienced in the art. She layed down a rhythm striking hard on select notes without missing a beat. her precision was impressive as well. Throughout the play she focused on 2 areas, upper back and ass, both of which were bright red afterwards. But before she finished she used 2 more tools. One was a cane of which i highly dread. Miss Kitty has decided that it and similar object be punishment toys. Although if she wishes to hear me scream im certain they would be used. i dread the thought. They hurt like fuckin hell lol. Proi not at much as the last toy. Toy was called "Dragon Tail" and all i can think of in comparison is a wet towel snapped perfectly on to unprotected skin. ouch. By that point i was beginning to drift to sleep. rounding 320ish at this point(ya she was flogged/whipped for quite some time) i just longed for bed. Of course Miss Kitty couldn't leave without talking to everyone lol. i admit my patience grew exceptionally thin. As her sub though i tried to conceal it. She spent the the rest of the minutes til 4 speaking with others. I sat and waited. 20 mins passed and i took the things to the car to be productive and returned. Waited some more. Decided to use the restroom at the moment before she decided to leave. I got scolded for not being where i was expected.

I suppose i was upset because i knew she would be too tired to finish what we started during play. As full privacy was not afforded certain things were to wait til home. Given how tired i was i knew nothing would happen. I spent the night by her side at her place(nanaki didnt kill me haha!) Granted it was more the wee hours of morning but still. i slept. I need to find a woman i can hold every night. For now im content. That's it i think. I look forward to the next play. Mondays were to be planned but considering the amount of time ive spent with her and the fact that she has tests to prepare for it will be a night off that is well deserved. I need to attempt to clear her from my thoughts just a little or i fear that i really will come to l... her. But enough of that. I'll enjoy her as each day would allow until she leaves. Its just a matter of time...

~aj

ps...i never did find out if friday was a date...not sure that it matters but she brought it up and now i cant help but wonder.

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ENTRY! [19 Mar 2011|08:12pm]
[ mood | blank ]

I felt like posting. Living in San Antonio now. things are going better than florida. met a few people. Of course since I'm writing there is a female involve @.@ normally how it is. They confuse me and i want them, but this one is doing some good. I knew from the get go that she was engaged and i was cool with that. She plays magic and computer games, likes electronic and robotics/mechanical stuff and i think thats fuckin awesome. Started hangin out with her as friends and now i'm slightly more...thats where i'm confused. We aren't just friends...but id rather not try to get into that now.

What i want to get into is how much she has or can do for me. She has already gotten me out of the house and shown me around...i've yet to venture out without her but i now know of places that i could go. Shes showing me things that i haven't know or seen about myself. Possibly things about myself that i've been denying? Not sure yet. We've highlighted some relationship issues i have and hopefully ill be able to get them under control. She's been a very good influence.

With that said i think ive gone and done what i didnt want to do...being that her interests are similar, shes beautiful, and extremely understanding i think ive gone a bit attached(normal ill admit...but so much in the good! *sigh*) my hope is to use this attachment for later relationships. she is leaving SA when her soon to be husband comes back from overseas. They are moving to Washington i believe. Ill be sad to see her go over course but i already know the outcome so i shouldnt be to hurt....thats not quite right...not sure how to put it.

i like her and have no chance. shes leaving...me = fine? should be the case. shes trying to find me a gf(i think) as well. we are working on my appearance(for multiple reasons...ill get there)and mannerisms or whatever. mostly because:

I'm her sub.(BDSM...im experimenting...)

Considering how i act most of the time in relationships being a sub isnt to bad. I enjoy doing things to please her. I've considered costs and since its mostly Dutch with a bit of i got this you get that...it works well. kinda like dating when we go out. which is part of the reason we arent just friends...which is nice because i end up in the dreaded friend zone far too often. We are starting to play more (floggin, biting, scratching, more to come...still new @.@) but spend more time doing things that i think bf/gf would do. mind has wandered...

We are going to a "play party" tonight. My first under her. I'm nervous. The "scene" as its called sounds like a bunch of high school preppy drama queens. One bad mark and your labeled and cast aside(over dramatized and based only on what ive heard.) I'm to stay by her left side slightly behind and silent unless told otherwise. alone i've no problem with this. the idea of public humiliation isn't sitting well with me. From a positive prospective it will help me be more comfortable with who i am and what i do. That alone will negate the majority of my jealous and attachment issues(may be the same whatever) so im exicted for that. i guess ill make an effort to write when i get back unless she spends the night. In which case ill proi be beaten(good kind) and then settle in for cuddles and sleep.

i got up for something and lost all train of thought. more later maybe or whatnot.

~aj

ps...trance is awesome!

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Konban wa [26 Dec 2009|01:17am]
[ mood | drained ]

yo! xmas today...well yesterday now. beer and pizza! hehe. finished ranma 1/2 thought it ended too soon or at least left a lot out but i feel like that often. moved out the dressers and tables yesterday

wow just realized ive been spelling yesterday wrong...could be im tired...

anyways... tables and dressers down. bed might go. washer and dryer leave sunday. that just leaves the rest of the crap. im worried all the stuff i want to send back up wont make it. i can pick and choose if i need too. i leave monday for texas and military life. super nervous i guess. things are changing. most likely for the best but change is hard for me. had to get rid of the kitties the other day. just cats i suppose but they were always home when i wanted em. hurt pretty bad to turn em over. i had to take them to the ACPS since my original plan fell through. supposed to be a good place for them, but as soon as i walked in and said that i needed to surrender my cats they told me there was a good chance they would be euthanized before the day ended. it took enough effort to get there...hearing that knocked out whatever control i had over my emotions. i hurried through the paperwork and got to my car before breaking down. call me weak or whatever...love my kitties...i hope they get a home.

sorry i was supposed to try to keep it up beat. too many memories in the apartment. still close my bedroom door from habit(no kitties in the room! make me itch v.v damn allergies) and stuff like that.

ok gotta change subject lalalalala...so i got a refund from my old car insurance. 86$ back from esurance. nice but no clue if the banks are open this weekend and well monday ill be at meps then flying to texas. man im nervous. i get to see my dad tomorrow. excited yes. i know i seen him just before thanksgiving but it feels like much longer.

thought just occurred to me...i want to live in japan while im in the AF but i always want to be near my family...ill proi still go to japan. free travel might as well. that and i can learn the language. come home for the holidays. i think we get 2.5 days vaca per month and if i am going overseas i get 14 days before i ship...of course i cant take vaca til i pay the forward back hehe v.v suppose im excited about the change too. i am building myself up for japan...if it doesnt happen ill be bummed but i was given advice on how to get there. cross your fingers!

blah tomorrow gonna be busy! as is sunday. gotta clean everything and pack my crap. sell the car sunday gotta clean that too. been too lazy. think im gonna try to sleep. havent been able to til like 5am lately...suck.

~ja mata ne

ps. i just dragged the old rotten couch from the back patio to the dumpster on the other side of the lot....ya im a bit tired @.@ hidden beds are evil v.v
oyasumi nasai

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nihao! o.O [14 Dec 2009|11:22pm]
[ mood | sleepy...i think ]

YO!

not doing too much. just playing d2 and watching anime. started watching ranma 1/2 hoping i caught up to where matt was. he should be here in a few days.

hehe just had to send a text with my address since im not sure if i gave him my new one yet hehe @.@

so im tired but im not. i could proi sleep if i closed my eyes now but ive got no real desire to do so. yup *nods*

also what kind of character should i roll for dnd? i wanted to do a wiz or sorc that specializes in polymorph other and some enchantments + leadership. my squirrel army would have been mighty indeed *nod* but i just read the 3.5 errata and polymorph sucks now (imo granted it was way op if you meta it.) the duration isnt perm v.v but it effects yourself now. lame. gimme polymorph other back. can only turn into creatures youve seen or done extensive research. squirrels are common...was gonna say harmless but mwuhahahahaaa....

yes but sleep or no...should...dont want to...


~ja

ps...psy warrior would still be fun ^.^

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...about that.... [01 Dec 2009|01:21am]
[ mood | good/tired ]

hold up!

just read the last like 60 entries i made....wow is all i can say. *blink* *blink* i really keep bitching about the same stuff. think i would learn... should a journal contain all bad memories or good? im thinking good. why remember bad stuff right? although some of the posts have replies that make me feel like an ass for things i say and do. being alone when im not. viewed from my side i my think that but the other side ends up hurt/offended. not good. but i am just stating how i feel. even if it is my own doing.

so! just now ive decided to attempt to make entries that are more upbeat and considerate of other peoples feelings! even if i have to take a break for a few months (military weeeee!) and i do feel better. so maybe ill keep putting the bad stuff in. just to get it out...like poison.

anyways im sleepy. more or less ok. true i feel lonely but it was my doing and i know i have places to go back to.


~aj

ps...i forgot v.v Mwuhahahahahaaaaa!

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hi again.... [30 Nov 2009|11:02pm]
[ mood | mixed... ]

well....its certainly been quite some time. livejournal appears to have changed some too. so lost hehe. figured i might try and get some thoughts out of my head like i used to. i really have felt the same in a long time. i know people change and everything, but this somehow feels different...almost stopped myself to think if there would be a better way to type that. no back tracking...just type no? well at least i think that is what i used to do.

so a bit has changed since my last entry in what....2006? I'm living in Jacksonville Florida now. moved here a little over 2 years ago. originally my brother and oldest sister joined me but they left shortly after...to be honest im kinda wishing i had too. so very lonely. very very lonely indeed...but it was my choice and it had to be done. being this far away from everything i was used to and everyone i love (note ive still yet to tell those people...even if they know i need to say it.) made me think clearer and let me take care of some issues that i couldn't with them around. i proi could have, but i was ashamed? not sure if that would be the right word but it comes close. its gone but now im lonelier than before. i cant remember if i ever put it in here about being in a crowded room and still feeling alone. most definitely not the first person to feel that way and even now im not sure why i did. all i know is how i feel now. lost and alone...and i supposed worried that things can never go back. i know things cant be exactly the same. people and times change. things happen. what was is only what was...and the future? what ever you make of it.

my future? not fully sure. 29 days remain before i start my contract with the Air Force. shocked? me too. never thought i would join the military. ive never been the type and those that know me said the same. but things are what they are. bit of financial trouble and a desire to change what feels like a wasted existence (security guard is not for me...) Air Force can provide it. no major expenses(to my knowledge)for 4 years, free schooling, travel, and the option to make it a career if i enjoy it...not bad considering where i am now. knowing that i cant go back im hoping this will set me for a better future. i really miss everyone. really really...hard to think of anything else while im typing. even though i have come to visit a few times it still felt weird and off. i was happy and sad at the same time. happy i was there and sad because it was different somehow, and id have to leave again...

well ive no idea how to start it other than saying that ive been alone more or less since i moved here. literally alone. there are people at work. there was sara and gudi (backstabbing *cough* *expletive deleted* x a lot) and dave. the first 2 need to diaf...seriously... and dave moved away. he got married to someone in china. sold his stuff and moved to his parents so he can save for the paperwork and fly over to see her more. happy for him but at the same time mad. well maybe not mad just...well considering he was the only person down here i had contact with...now i dont...1 minus 1 is what?....thats the number of people i have contact with. i could have gone out and tried to meet people im sure. even if im not the type to go out(i really dont feel i am) i still could have attempted something. i dont know...maybe i didnt fix it fully. i really just want a hug. just someone to hold and be held. common feeling. even with the few friends down here nothing compared to up in NY. no physical contact. and i mean touch. sure we went out and did things. i need...a hug...desperately.

i suppose things could be worse. hindsight is 2020 right?(damn my need for newer glasses v.v) i dont know how much people may have known about the 'problem' i took care of(or at least most of it) while i was down here. i havent been happy for a long time. longer than i can remember. i mean ive been happy but...not? i cant really explain it other than depression. slight bit of manic depressive. i got some treatment(pills!) that did some wonders...amongst other things...mostly it removed a voice in the back of my head. even now thinking of this voice brings tears to my eyes(literally) its a voice i wouldnt wish on anyone. i codenamed it '2' older story still from way back when. anyways the pill took care of '2' i've sorta tired searching for it(not too hard mind you) too make sure it was gone. i sound crazy...its true...i am to an extent. anyways...push came to shove before i got help. no major scars or damage. someone ive never met face to face helped me...even though they have worse problems of their own. im truly grateful for him. i might not be writing this otherwise...

so gloomy v.v bah. doubt id said it before and its proi more dramatic than what happened...although if you asked at the time im sure it would have been much more graphic...still not something i like. feel it shows weakness...and stuff...

brighter note! matt might be coming down this week or next *YAY!* that means i need to clean. nobody has been in my apartment for....a year? well dave once or twice(hehe....flea bombs...hehe....@.@fumes are not to be breathed!) i still need to find a home for my kitties....that's right! i got 3! bit too many ill admit. but they've helped me through alot...even if i cant breathe around them, very unfortunate. ive no idea if the humane society can take them back...feel bad for having to give them up...i know they are just cats but still...i need to at least find them someplace decent to set my mind at ease. i dont like the feeling i get thinking about it. feels like im abandoning them. lisa, bart, and maggie btw. age is the same order(i didnt name them) but lisa is the smallest(i worry bout her at times...) bart is my big boy....he really likes feet...at least mine. and i think maggie is my fav (sssshhhh!) she was the one i originally wanted to take, but the cute clerk told me that the other was her brother...and i couldnt split them up...then they told me about lisa...as much as i only wanted one i couldnt split them up...so i got 3 sick kitties. very sick but i nursed em and now they are good! i should have taken more pictures...i should take more pictures of alot of things... but ya the kitties need a home. i dont know if ill be able to find one. so i worry...yes i still do that and alot of it. wish i had more klonopin(one of the super fun pills i had at the time *nods*)

well im almost certain i strayed from what i originally sat down to write. that much hasnt changed at least. my brain is still scatted while thinking. frustrating at times but normally interesting. i have to say i feel a little better than what i did before starting this. im still lonely, but i know i wont be forever...or at least i sincerely hope that i wont be(hope *kibou* is now tattooed on me as well)

i really hope matt can come down. others were supposed to join him but its looking doubtful. no idea what we'd do when he comes to visit. would just be nice to have a him here. he is my brother from another mother...ive fallen out of touch...


~aj

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yesturday [10 Aug 2006|08:15pm]
[ mood | dreamy?&puzzled ]

odd day...ya it was...

party at matts... seen someone i thought would never talk to me again... very odd. but i liked the ending... hehe i cant figure out what im trying to say in my head. ah well. its just another to put up on the shelf to collect dust with the rest of the memories...



~laterz




*sigh*

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soon [17 Jul 2006|05:11am]
i should write about the cruise sometime but i dont feel like it at the current moment. mentioning that im still alive and such. thinking about alot of things but thats not really new. wondering about stuff as well. things have gotta quiet with Miranda...suppose its for the better but it sure does feel funny... ah well. im off to eat. will consider this more later and maybe ill stop thinking about the end of my life before i live it. its gotta be the only reason its so scary O.o

until i decide to come back and write what a good time i had on the cruise and how it might have changed my life...




~laterz
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